HOME?

Home

What is it anyway~

I woke with a deep longing to be home, this happens now and again but this time it was almost crippling. I wrapped my arms around my middle, curled into a fetal position and wept. It felt like an eternity of tears and uncontrollable sobs.

I then asked my self what am I missing? What is actually going on? Why am I having such intense emotion around the concept of “HOME”? 

Here’s what I got; as a young person we were moved around from house to house, and state to state, even spending many of our moves in Mexico. My parents were nomads, Gypsies. They would move us with out a moments notice and take us to some unknown place. As a child I had no idea why we would move so much but it usually meant I got to leave school and drive across country and start again somewhere else. Eventually this became tiresome as I would not want to be stuck in a van with six or seven other kids, and I did not want to leave my friends behind. I did want an education.

The desire to stop and settle was very strong in me. I wanted to give my children the experience of a stable environment and friends and school. Well it turns out that I followed in my parent’s footsteps, not as severely but our sweet little family of 6 moved 9x in our 23 years. The last move was to a gorgeous country town in So Colorado with mountains, rivers, forestland and kind people. 

This place felt like home or at least I wanted it to be.

We brought our children here when they were in middle school and stayed.

We built a house on a giant piece of property with most beautiful view. I started growing a garden; feeling so grounded putting my fingers into the earth. 

I loved this place. I wanted my children to love it. (I believe they do but they will need to move on and create their own life stories.) They are young adults now and have mostly moved on.

My husband and I decided that we did not want to be married any longer and are now divorcing. I have moved from our beautiful paradise and am in the process of packing my things into boxes to be stored until I can figure out what to do with my self.

The feeling of being uprooted is bitter sweet. My fantasies of Home are fading and my desires of settling are no more. Maybe I am a gypsy at heart and will follow in my parents foot steps. Maybe I will plant seeds and play in the dirt on my journey. Maybe this feeling of home isn’t a place but instead it is me, my heart. I only wish to live fully and part of living is letting go.

So here’s to today, and a hope that this ache will subside.  I can let go of the picture of Home. I can be open to All of this planet being my home. I am home!