sum ergo sum

Memory A young 24 year old pregnant woman crying in a heap on the bathroom floor. Pleading to God to just make it end. I was begging God to take away my life and end the misery. The pain was tremendous and I knew I couldn’t bare it for one more day. At the time my husband and I and two little children lived in house in San Diego with several other people. The house was rented by the owner of the company we worked for. We rented a small bedroom from him.    We were both working for a direct sales and marketing company and had nothing to our name except a few suit cases, an air mattress, (we slept on with our toddler son), and a playpen set up as my baby daughters makeshift crib. Our bags were stacked around the tiny room. My husband and I had to put our two little ones into a day care in order to go out into the sales field daily just to make enough money to buy milk and diapers maybe remain noodles for that day. My son pretty much lived off of peanut butter. Durin...

Whats in the middle of the onion when you peel it? Nothing! Whats in the middle of each of us when you get deep enough? Nothing! This Nothing is the empty void we all emerge from, it is what we all go back to and it is inevitable. However we are in the time of the onion peeling so peel away. Each layer of this delicate skin represents a question or issue we enjoy playing with, my layer was about worth and value and the measure of success. I asked around for others to answer taking a pole of opinion, this is what I got. What makes a person valuable? The answers are all over the board. Mostly what people agreed on was that value can only come from the person. Each individual must determine his or her own value. The way to knowing this is through self worth the way to self worth is through loving the self. The way to love the self is through acceptance and looking inward for appreciation and acknowledgement. What is the measure of success? There were many answers ...

What’s really the point? This is a question I have been asking my self since I can remember. I have to believe it’s a mental program from childhood. However, lets dive in for a moment. When I experience this thought my body feels week and tired, my emotions are sadness and loneliness, my mind is cloudy and disinterested. I ask my self what is there to live for then I answer, my children of course. I end up feeling trapped in this body, wanting to give up but knowing I can not. I tell myself I’m here to learn. Learn what? How to be human? I am here to have an experience. Experience what? Human emotion; sensation, being distracted, being alone, being separate, being shaded, and cynical. If we are all apart of source and we all return to source then this moment in our fleshy prison must have some kind of purpose. Maybe the question alone is in fact the purpose. I have a meditation practice, and sitting alone with my breath is delightful, it’s a vacation from my brain, from a...