sum ergo sum

Insight What a crazy world of emotion and illusion and projection I live. Let me explain. Years ago as a young person filled with excitement and wonder I left my family of origin and decided to give life a go. I wanted to test my self, see what I was capable of. I didn’t have a plan just desire to make my life great. I moved to a snowy college town got three jobs and enrolled in school. As life became difficult I started to doubt my self. My excitement became less and less as the workload became harder and harder. I did what most young ladies do when they have no real experience with their own empowerment, I asked for help. I started to believe that I couldn’t do it on my own and I needed to be saved. Damsel in distress! My favorite hero was, and still is, superman. I needed a Superman to rescue me. Sure enough on cue he did. I met my husband and I was saved, we were no longer individuals but a couple and two minds are way better than one. He was full of ideas and ambi...

Greiving~ denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. The stages of grieving.... Well, I think I got mine a little mixed up but here goes. I know I will have to go through all these stages at some point but what I have felt so far are denial and depression. Anger is now showing up and I don’t like it. I do not like feeling so angry. I look into my anger and I cannot blame anyone or any thing it just is and I don’t know what to do with it.  What is anger anyway? {Anger is used as a protective mechanism to cover up fear, hurt or sadness} Where does it stem from and how can I rid myself of this feeling?  I feel like a monster. I will sit with this intense emotion, I will feel it through my every cell. I will let it run its course like a nasty virus and I will be still. I will allow my body to process.   I will writhe and scream, I will spit and curs, and it will be ok. It will all be ok, this is what I asked for and here I am feeling ...

My ego and I   I awoke from a dream of chaos and turmoil, feeling confused and frustrated, furious, misunderstood, ignored, unimportant, insignificant. These feelings lingered for a bit muddying up my beautiful morning and then something happened as I sat with the feelings. (I literally sat on the couch with a note pad and cup of coffee and would take notes as the storm cloud of emotions passed through me.) The scary feelings began to pass and I began to feel free, this process wasn’t one of conjuring up meaning around the emotion only one of just being with the emotion. I imagined this emotion was like a friend I can sit quietly with. As the emotion passed I began to see a mental program that has been running my life. This program was put in place for my survival. It was a necessary program for all of us when we lived with wild animals trying to eat us. But I could see how this program needed some updating. My Ego, I imagine her as a young dominatrix dressed in black leathe...

There’s no crying in CrossFit   Show no emotion; push your body hard, Grunt, swear, and throw things but no crying allowed Wrong! Crying is amazing. Let me explain. Today I finally got handstand pushups. Something I have been working on for months. For some reason lowering my head to the floor was a huge issue for me. I was afraid of hurting my neck. This was clearly a mental block and approaching the wall with a fellow coach staring at me wasn’t helping. Then something happened I tried and succeeded. To my own disbelief I tried again and was successful again. The WOD called out for 25 burpee handstand pushups and I felt intimidated but knew I had to try. Pushing my limits has been a consistent thing in CrossFit. Go till failure. Then next time I try that failure point may be a little different. This philosophy has been a new and challenging way to approach life and I think I really like it. During the grueling 25 burpee handstand pushups I took them one at a time. I...