sum ergo sum

Juliana,  Sweet darling, I miss you.  Its been 599 days, there are still so many days it’s hard to believe you have left this world. I love you so much. Your passing has been a freaking wrecking ball on this existence. My world seems flat at many times, dull, pointless.  However this is only the contrast to the many moments of magic I experience, because you have left. Its the shading to the brilliant landscape. I suppose it’s all necessary in order to truly see a picture, there has to be dark places. I want to focus on the light, on the many moments of beauty I have experienced because of you. I take life more slowly these days nothing is important especially the little things, like needing to look good or be right. I stopped fighting and started listening. I look for reasons to be grateful everyday and know that the impermanent nature of this world is a gift.  It’s like being on vacation when there are limited days and every day counts. I want to...

Something has shifted~  The day before the 18 th  I woke with an amazing feeling of clarity. My eyes shot right open as I felt the heavy mental fog lift off my tormented brain. This feeling was so intense that it was all I could talk about for the past two days. I feel wonderful!!! Its been 9 months since my daughter left this world. I have been writing everyday, spilling my heart out to my journals trying to make sense of my world.  Every single day she would bombard my thoughts.  Every single day I would have intense emotion flooding my cells.  Every day tears would flow, so much some times that I couldn’t be in public.  Every day I questioned my course of action and my purpose on this planet.  When am I going to feel better?  How long does it take to grieve the loss of a loved one? When will I actually let go of the sadness? When can I just be happy to be alive? This whole process has been one of learning to le...

Thinking about my daughter and her brief 19 years on this planet has given me a new feeling about my own life. I am so fortunate to have had so many beautiful years with her. Her passing has made me embrace my living children with tremendous love and affection. I have a new respect for all the living beings on this planet and a complete appreciation for how we each affect each other’s lives. Every life is important and special and I know we are here to live fully with no regrets. In the last few weeks of her life I had the privilege of spending lots of time with her. Together we found an apartment in Denver. We moved her belongings into our new place, laughed about being schoolgirls and roommates together. We dreamt about or future and all the new possibilities. We talked about how excited she was to graduate from massage school and begin her career. We drank wine from mugs and shared a meatball sub on the couch. Life was so thrilling and bright for her. I know as she was dr...