sum ergo sum

Beliefs I have had lots of time to ponder the deeper meanings of life in the past few weeks. My entire world has shut down for a little bit and I am left to think about many things. Something that keeps coming up for me is “What do I believe?” Dissecting my beliefs one by one asking if they actually make any sense or if I just believe them because I always have. I realized that beliefs are a unique force in nature that causes things to happen.   They literally are the beginning point of all creation.  W hat’s fascinating about them is they can change according to what we want to experience, but only if we believe so. For instance, if I had a belief that “I’m fat” running through my mind and I never gave it a question. If I just accepted it then my body, my world, the mirror, would begin to prove my belief to me. In every instance, I would begin to feel uncomfortable in my body. I would loose motivation to eat right and exercise. I would spend my days on the co...

clues As the hours turn into days and now weeks I am on a desperate search for clues. My daughter’s death has brought on so many questions. The type of questions none of us ever want to think about. Why are we here? What is next? What really happens to us when we die? How is it possible for such a young beautiful person to leave us so abruptly?  There has to be some sort of clue, why didn’t I know it was coming?  Did she know she was making her last drive on a road she drove so often? Was there something we could have done different? How does any of this make sense?   Where there any signs or symbols that we missed? Racking my brain for thoughts, memories, conversations, and any thing that was a hint into what was coming to be. Juliana’s instagram account tag line was~ Live like you’ll die tomorrow but learn like you’ll live forever.~ The last post is a picture of her and her Grandfather. They are both gone. The Sunday before her accident I was ...

This body is the experience.  I have been looking all around for purpose and meaning and completely skirting the obvious answer. Its been right in front of my face all along, it is my face.  This body, these cells, these emotions, and desires.  Leaving would only mean I didn’t get the reason for my playing the game in the first place.  Being alive in human form is the reason for the existence of this beautiful planet we live on.  Being Flesh and bone and nerves and brains is the perfect playing field.  We get to master density. A new thought around being of form, this is a gift, a delight a choice and privilege.  Let the games begin!

What’s really the point? This is a question I have been asking my self since I can remember. I have to believe it’s a mental program from childhood. However, lets dive in for a moment. When I experience this thought my body feels week and tired, my emotions are sadness and loneliness, my mind is cloudy and disinterested. I ask my self what is there to live for then I answer, my children of course. I end up feeling trapped in this body, wanting to give up but knowing I can not. I tell myself I’m here to learn. Learn what? How to be human? I am here to have an experience. Experience what? Human emotion; sensation, being distracted, being alone, being separate, being shaded, and cynical. If we are all apart of source and we all return to source then this moment in our fleshy prison must have some kind of purpose. Maybe the question alone is in fact the purpose. I have a meditation practice, and sitting alone with my breath is delightful, it’s a vacation from my brain, from a...