sum ergo sum

Cant sleep its 3am my mind is freaking out. What is going on, what am I to do with myself?  I feel an overwhelming dark cloud of grief and worry swirling around me. My thoughts are of my children and their safety, how I need to keep them safe and literally cannot.  Their lives are their own and I am here as a witness.  I get to marvel in their world but it does not belong to me.  Nothing belongs to me. My fear has got a hold of my thoughts and is twisting my perception to one of despair, anguish, anxiety and torment. I decide to get out of bed I need to do something other than flip and flop in my sleepless state.  I sit in the shower the warm water feels soothing on my skin. I then make my way down stairs for a cup of tea and my journal.  Some how I know that I can work this out in writing. Writing has helped in so many ways, it seems that when the thoughts are translated into words on paper I can make sense of them. Here’s what I came up with. ...

Soul reboot~ Question?  When we die does it feel like waking up from a dream? Do we remember the details the love the people the story, or does it all disappear when our eyes open. Do we even have eyes to open? After the death of my daughter I have been doing everything I can to stay connected to her essence. I look for signs everywhere. I search my dreams, I search faces, pictures, animals, butterflies, the wind. Everything is now somehow connected to her. Its actually pretty wild how my mind can turn a song or conversation into something about my daughter and truthfully, it’s comforting. My youngest daughter and I decided to take a little time away and go on a trip together. We are working on completing Juliana’s extensive bucket list. Surfing and cliff diving are two things we get to check off after our fantastic stay In Puerto Rico. During our stay there were so many beautiful moments of clarity and understanding. Seeing the course of events unfolding and...

Insight What a crazy world of emotion and illusion and projection I live. Let me explain. Years ago as a young person filled with excitement and wonder I left my family of origin and decided to give life a go. I wanted to test my self, see what I was capable of. I didn’t have a plan just desire to make my life great. I moved to a snowy college town got three jobs and enrolled in school. As life became difficult I started to doubt my self. My excitement became less and less as the workload became harder and harder. I did what most young ladies do when they have no real experience with their own empowerment, I asked for help. I started to believe that I couldn’t do it on my own and I needed to be saved. Damsel in distress! My favorite hero was, and still is, superman. I needed a Superman to rescue me. Sure enough on cue he did. I met my husband and I was saved, we were no longer individuals but a couple and two minds are way better than one. He was full of ideas and ambi...

FEAR False Evidence Appearing Real For as many years as I can remember I have had a re-occuring nightmare of ocean waves rising so high they take over the building I am in and kill everyone.   The building changes in my dream but the ocean is always so fierce and powerful that it takes the lives of everyone in my dream. In my waking world I have not had a negative experience with the ocean and am sure this is because I keep a distance. Something changed. My last experience with the ocean and my fear just recently happened in Maui Hawaii on a family vacation. I love standup paddle boarding, I’ve been playing on my board in our lakes during the summer. I feel very confident in my abilities and have been practicing yoga and balancing. I truly enjoy paddling around on the water. In Hawaii a surfer friend of ours, brought us a variety of boards to play on, one was a stand up paddle board. The beach we were at had two breaks and there were several surfers already o...

How can any of us ever really know who we are until we can go back and see the thoughts we had when we were little. If we could look into the mind of our infant self, the toddler the young child, then we can start to make sense of the filters we have been given. The filters that have formed our lives hide in these early years. This way of looking at life has a purpose it was created for us to survive the weird inexplicable events of our raising. The people involved the bizarre ideas that our little minds choose to hold on to are usually hard to access. They lay hidden in our subconscious darkness, obscured by a fog of misunderstanding. These thoughts that are usually written off as “childish nonsense” are the very foundation that the adult self is built upon. The self-loathing the sabotage the destructive person inside our minds is a child. I’ve been reading a book about dreaming by Robert Moss; one of my amazing girlfriends recommended it. She has been doing dream...