sum ergo sum

Welcome to the world of infinite possibilities.  It’s an amazing ride that will scare the shit out of you but is so incredibly inspiring and worth every scream.   What would you do if you knew you could not fail? Every failure is just a course correction. We are always being fine tuned and guided to live our most glorious versions of our selves in every moment. The key is to trust that The Universe has got your back. The things you want Source wants for you, If you are willing to move even an inch in that direction Source will move mountains to accommodate you.  I am only now figuring this out. Little by little this game has been revealing itself to me. I understand that every thing I think, feel, and do has an impact on the life that is showing up for me. My daughter’s death has taught me that tomorrow is not a guarantee. Now is the only time I have. Now, this moment, not ‘some day’ or ‘maybe another time’. There is only now and in this now everything is possible. The ke...

  Pain  what is it? A physical suffering or distress, a sensation in a particular part of the body   Pain and suffering only exist on this planet in these bodies we came here to know pain.    Pain is a sensation but suffering is a choice. Suffering happens when we reject the pain. But what happens if you dive into the pain fully, embrace the sensations. Ride out the feelings with complete and total acceptance? There is something very powerful about feeling pain. It will show you your dark corners of fear. It will give you back stage access into the unconscious world that runs your waking world. Going through pain is a holy and sublime process.  After experiencing tremendous pain there is a shift in your being. You will experience a feeling of confidence as well as a softening of compassion for those going through it. We all experience pain at some point in our lives. Understanding that there is a reason for it will help you to move gracefully through it. Do...

New Orleans In May I happened to see a post from the New Orleans Burlesque Fest inviting performers to submit audition videos to participate in the upcoming event in September. I of course sent in the video of the aerial cube act from our Pagosa Burlesque show that happened in March. Not really expecting anything I was surprised when I received the official invitation. My partner informed me she would be out of the country and I would need to replace her. Malaya, my lovely daughter was my first choice, she is already a strong aerial performer and she and I have similar body builds. Not to mention performing with my daughter is a dream come true.    The cube is unforgiving, painful and frustrating to master. Many days we would show up, bang and bruise, smack each other, whack our heads and get completely dizzy. The steel bars are brutal and our bodies showed the battle wounds. She and I worked for three months on the routine and sure enough after our many days of ...

Time such a tricky concept. Lately it has had a strange effect on my brain and all time seems to mesh into one huge bubble of random events. Time is not linear it’s a swirling cyclone of floating particles lifting and falling as the days pass.  Today it has been 500 days since the Passing of my sweet daughter Juliana Sunn Ellsmore  She lived a total of 7,218 days.  It feels like yesterday and a million days ago.  How is it possible to fit an entire life into a tiny envelope of days, minutes, and seconds.  Life seems to transcend time. When I look back I see a whole lot of empty space, a vast blackness lit up by sparkly moments glistening into my memory. When I look forward I see the same vast nothingness lit up by sparkles of possibilities. Maybe time is actually space and its moments are stars. Now is all there is, Now, this exact moment.  How many stars will I create with this moment?

Spirit support 11 months today, our beautiful Juliana left this world.    Its been a whirlwind of an experience.   I haven’t been posting in my blog as my attention was intensely focused on studying and passing my flight exam and check ride.  I’m happy to announce the instrument rating is now behind me as I passed with flying colors, literally.  The magnitude of the preparation has been all consuming. I didn’t know that I actually had the ability to study with such dedication. The flying practice itself was extremely challenging and many days I wanted to give up.  During the check ride, (after we had been already flying for over an hour,) I was feeling extreme doubt and exhaustion. My examiner was doing his best to cause a disorienting situation by changing my instruments. He placed sticky notes on three of the critical instruments then expected me to find my way with only use of a oscillating compass, all the time remaining on cou...

Something has shifted~  The day before the 18 th  I woke with an amazing feeling of clarity. My eyes shot right open as I felt the heavy mental fog lift off my tormented brain. This feeling was so intense that it was all I could talk about for the past two days. I feel wonderful!!! Its been 9 months since my daughter left this world. I have been writing everyday, spilling my heart out to my journals trying to make sense of my world.  Every single day she would bombard my thoughts.  Every single day I would have intense emotion flooding my cells.  Every day tears would flow, so much some times that I couldn’t be in public.  Every day I questioned my course of action and my purpose on this planet.  When am I going to feel better?  How long does it take to grieve the loss of a loved one? When will I actually let go of the sadness? When can I just be happy to be alive? This whole process has been one of learning to le...

Check in  I’m currently sitting in a little white, well lit, room on a comfy bed. My bags and books all around me. I will be diving into my studies in a bit but I just wanted to get a few words out as there coming to me now.  I have been in So Florida for almost 7 weeks and have been staying with a sweet family that has opened their home to me. I came here to get a change of perspective. I came here with the intention of working on my flying so that eventually I can work as a professional helicopter pilot. I’m still very inexperienced and still have so much work to do. I love flying. I love learning and at this point in my life I’m so grateful I have it as a distraction.  Before I chose to come here I was basically isolating my self from the world, submerged in the depths of my own grief and heartache. I would spend my days sitting on the couch staring at the walls completely lost. Not knowing how to navigate my own heart and the feelings of loosing my child....

As most of you know my beautiful 19 yr old daughter passed away just a few months ago. She was in a tragic car accident and died,( according to coroner), immediately on impact. The last few month have been so challenging to navigate. I have been searching for comfort and understanding and made an appointment with a psychic medium. It took 6 weeks to talk with her and I am happy I did, here are some of the words that came through. enjoy. side note: the woman has an adorable Australian accent and some of her expressions didn't make sense but I wrote them anyway. Who’s lost a child? I hear some one say, “I’m her child.” have you got, one in heaven? -yes-   Your girl is well, yet she went tragically She also said you didn’t have time to say goodbye to her. - no- So she’s come in today to tell you all about everything ok.   There’s a birthday coming up? I hear happy birthday – she just had her birthday- You all were around for her birthday? She’s ...