sum ergo sum

Soul reboot~ Question?  When we die does it feel like waking up from a dream? Do we remember the details the love the people the story, or does it all disappear when our eyes open. Do we even have eyes to open? After the death of my daughter I have been doing everything I can to stay connected to her essence. I look for signs everywhere. I search my dreams, I search faces, pictures, animals, butterflies, the wind. Everything is now somehow connected to her. Its actually pretty wild how my mind can turn a song or conversation into something about my daughter and truthfully, it’s comforting. My youngest daughter and I decided to take a little time away and go on a trip together. We are working on completing Juliana’s extensive bucket list. Surfing and cliff diving are two things we get to check off after our fantastic stay In Puerto Rico. During our stay there were so many beautiful moments of clarity and understanding. Seeing the course of events unfolding and...

Inspiration~   Taking a break, hitting a serious reset button on my life. Taking time to evaluate and simplify and prioritize the people, the experiences, the importance of all of the things I focus on and give time and energy too. Sitting quietly on an island staring at the sea, waves, birds, sunshine, and sand. I breathe and feel my heart. I breathe and know everything will be ok. I breathe and tears roll down my cheeks and I feel gratitude to have a body that can feel the streaks of wet. I am so happy to be here now in the middle of the chaos of loss and grief and beauty, magic and inspiration. My entire world has been shaken, like a snow globe. The cool part is, I didn’t know that there were sparkles on the ground. I never even imagined that if it were shook hard enough that the most beautiful shimmering glitter diamonds would appear everywhere and my life would be surrounded by magic. My flat world has become alive, multidimensional, fluid. Every corner, eve...

Life has opened to me and I to her My thoughts deliberate My joy on purpose My creations appear as I allow My dreams clear There is so much love in the world I can feel it with each beat of my heart The pulsing of blood in my veins I am alive

Stop struggling~ my marriage Thinking about my struggles to be a better person and realizing the more I struggle the more I have to struggle. I’ve been watching my words. Watching the stories I tell about my life. One of those stories has been that my marriage has been a struggle. I have issues with being understood and accepted, I complain about how hard it is to get along and have fun together. I talk about how different we are and how our interests are completely opposite.  I joke about marrying for contrast. Paying attention to these little stories I talk about has been incredibly enlightening. I didn’t realize that all this time I’ve been creating a marriage of struggle. I only just now realized that it doesn’t have to be a struggle. My marriage can be anything I choose. If I change the way I look at it and look for all the positive aspects that are already present, then I will be creating a more fulfilling beautiful relationship with the man I already love. I...

Imagining my life in hindsight. Seeing from the view of an elderly woman looking back at a life well lived. I imagine how I will feel when it’s all over. I imagine how full my heart will feel from all the love shared and all the time spent. I imagine my children and grandchildren in their happy lives living fully and loving completely. I see many memories of trips and walks I see dinners and movies, holidays, birthdays, weddings and deaths. I imagine business ventures that paid off. I see vacations to exotic places. I imagine a multitude of friends and extended family. I see parties and get-togethers.   I hear laughter. I feel open hearts. I feel gratitude for clarity and memory. I imagine putting on music and dancing my healthy old body around preparing my self for the transition into the otherworld. I feel complete knowing that I cherished my moments and the people in them. I feel full knowing that my love and wisdom touched many and they are now better for it. I have a sweet ...