sum ergo sum

Strange magical happenings. Malaya and I were visiting my friend Sue in Palm city. We were alone in the house cooking dinner. Malaya wanted to video the peeling away of the butter wrapper, she said it feels satisfying so I helped by holding the camera.  We watched the video and strangely there was a music track attached to the video. Neither of us had music playing and the house was completely silent. Sure enough a song was playing in the background of the video. I opened my Shazam app on my phone (Shazam is an app that recognizes music and will display the artist and song being played with in seconds). The song was new to both of us. When we listened to the lovely guitar and the lyrics we both started to cry. A message from Juliana? Later we tried to share the strange video with our friend Sue and the video was silent, the music track that was attached had vanished. In times like these it’s easy to try to explain it away and dismiss the magic that is so clearly being d...

Talking with a medium, In march 2018 I talked to a sweet lady who is a psychic medium. We had a phone conversation about my daughter who had passed away 6 weeks prior. The conversation was so helpful and comforting. She most definitely had Juliana clearly coming through and the things we discussed were undeniable. I chose to talk with her again and made an appointment. We spoke in September 19 months after Julianas passing.  This medium had no idea who I was and in no way would remember me specifically because she reads thousands of people yearly. The words that came through were surprisingly similar to the first reading. There were a few new messages about animals and what she's working on in Heaven. I did my best to transcribe the conversation to share with all of you.  (side note: these conversations seem a little scattered but what I leaned about people who speak to spirit is they must continue to talk out loud and say what ever random thing that pops into their mind to...

Another sweet message from my daughter. I'm staying at my friend Sue’s house in Palm City Florida. The morning is clear and windy. The house is quiet I am alone. I have been feeling a bit uneasy. I am happy to be in Florida, I am excited to continue working on my flight instructor certificate but for the moment I have had a hiccup with finances and do not have the money to pay for any training.  In the meantime was thinking about getting involved with a grief group or possibly teaching a yoga workshop to help alleviate the pain of loss. Maybe even work part time with hospice. I'm sure I can create someway to fill my time and give back to the community.  I have been going through my journals wanting to find entries to add to my next book  “Year two,”( I actually filled 8 journals since Juliana died.) I found an entry about feeling confused and frustrated and not knowing where I was going. This seems to be a theme these days. I realize it was written last year ...

Juliana,  Sweet darling, I miss you.  Its been 599 days, there are still so many days it’s hard to believe you have left this world. I love you so much. Your passing has been a freaking wrecking ball on this existence. My world seems flat at many times, dull, pointless.  However this is only the contrast to the many moments of magic I experience, because you have left. Its the shading to the brilliant landscape. I suppose it’s all necessary in order to truly see a picture, there has to be dark places. I want to focus on the light, on the many moments of beauty I have experienced because of you. I take life more slowly these days nothing is important especially the little things, like needing to look good or be right. I stopped fighting and started listening. I look for reasons to be grateful everyday and know that the impermanent nature of this world is a gift.  It’s like being on vacation when there are limited days and every day counts. I want to...

Time such a tricky concept. Lately it has had a strange effect on my brain and all time seems to mesh into one huge bubble of random events. Time is not linear it’s a swirling cyclone of floating particles lifting and falling as the days pass.  Today it has been 500 days since the Passing of my sweet daughter Juliana Sunn Ellsmore  She lived a total of 7,218 days.  It feels like yesterday and a million days ago.  How is it possible to fit an entire life into a tiny envelope of days, minutes, and seconds.  Life seems to transcend time. When I look back I see a whole lot of empty space, a vast blackness lit up by sparkly moments glistening into my memory. When I look forward I see the same vast nothingness lit up by sparkles of possibilities. Maybe time is actually space and its moments are stars. Now is all there is, Now, this exact moment.  How many stars will I create with this moment?

 Today I was at the family home watching dogs while Darren is out of town. I went into Juliana's room as I usually do when I visit the house. I started speaking to her out loud, I was the only one in the house and wasn't worried about being heard. I suddenly had a need to look in one of her dresser drawers. I found a notebook of Juliana's from high school. When I opened the notebook I turned to a page where she had written a story about her death. I wrote her words below. She must have known something about how she would leave this world.   Juliana's words~ The day my heart stopped Life was normal calm and busy vibrant and dull loud and quiet all in the same. There wasn’t even a indication that the following moment would be my last. Bzzz, (immanent crash) then there was nothing. For a moment the dark consumed my entire being and in a blink I was back outside of my car racing to them screaming “ARE YOU OK? I'M SO SORRY, PLEASE PLEASE JUST LOOK AT ME” they ...