sum ergo sum

Cant sleep its 3am my mind is freaking out. What is going on, what am I to do with myself?  I feel an overwhelming dark cloud of grief and worry swirling around me. My thoughts are of my children and their safety, how I need to keep them safe and literally cannot.  Their lives are their own and I am here as a witness.  I get to marvel in their world but it does not belong to me.  Nothing belongs to me. My fear has got a hold of my thoughts and is twisting my perception to one of despair, anguish, anxiety and torment. I decide to get out of bed I need to do something other than flip and flop in my sleepless state.  I sit in the shower the warm water feels soothing on my skin. I then make my way down stairs for a cup of tea and my journal.  Some how I know that I can work this out in writing. Writing has helped in so many ways, it seems that when the thoughts are translated into words on paper I can make sense of them. Here’s what I came up with. ...

I have felt Good for many days now.  This is a fantastic discovery for me, this means that all this awareness on focusing thoughts is working. I have deliberately started each day with taking time to feel gratitude.   Amazingly enough by taking a few moments to recognize all the things that are going well and right in my life more things go well and right. I’ve been noticing that as this practice continues there’s a beautiful momentum building, moving me in the direction of all that I want to experience. I’ve noticed a sweet connection to others and a willingness to collaborate. I’ve noticed many inspired thoughts flowing through me as well as many moments of sheer delight. I’ve noticed my mind catching itself when negative thoughts creep in and shifting almost immediately to something else. I’ve noticed heightened energy and a desire to play. I’ve noticed a deep appreciation for my quiet moments as well as when I’m in the company of others. This shift i...

My body There was a time when I hated my body. It was right after I had all four babies and my youngest was about a year old. I remember being so mean and critical every time I would look at my self. I was mad at how having children took its toll, it stretched my skin and my breasts were sad and deflated. I would work out every day and eat right but nothing seemed to make a difference. I struggled with my obsession. I struggled with self pity and hatred. I remember being disgusted. Then one day something shifted. I realized that I would never treat any one with such rudeness. I would never be so unkind then why was I treating myself this way. I sat alone in the bathroom staring into my eyes and looking for something. Looking for acceptance, looking for love. I decided that night to stop with all the negative comments and started looking for things I can love about my self. I made a bath, lit some candles and created a little ceremony of gratitude. I touched every part of my ...