sum ergo sum

Greiving~ denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. The stages of grieving.... Well, I think I got mine a little mixed up but here goes. I know I will have to go through all these stages at some point but what I have felt so far are denial and depression. Anger is now showing up and I don’t like it. I do not like feeling so angry. I look into my anger and I cannot blame anyone or any thing it just is and I don’t know what to do with it.  What is anger anyway? {Anger is used as a protective mechanism to cover up fear, hurt or sadness} Where does it stem from and how can I rid myself of this feeling?  I feel like a monster. I will sit with this intense emotion, I will feel it through my every cell. I will let it run its course like a nasty virus and I will be still. I will allow my body to process.   I will writhe and scream, I will spit and curs, and it will be ok. It will all be ok, this is what I asked for and here I am feeling ...

Home What is it anyway~ I woke with a deep longing to be home, this happens now and again but this time it was almost crippling. I wrapped my arms around my middle, curled into a fetal position and wept. It felt like an eternity of tears and uncontrollable sobs. I then asked my self what am I missing? What is actually going on? Why am I having such intense emotion around the concept of “HOME”?   Here’s what I got; as a young person we were moved around from house to house, and state to state, even spending many of our moves in Mexico. My parents were nomads, Gypsies. They would move us with out a moments notice and take us to some unknown place. As a child I had no idea why we would move so much but it usually meant I got to leave school and drive across country and start again somewhere else. Eventually this became tiresome as I would not want to be stuck in a van with six or seven other kids, and I did not want to leave my friends behind. I did want an education. The...

“You don’t have to do it alone”. One of my favorite Books The Shack. I recently have been going through a really dark and frightening transition in my life, one that I didn’t want to even consider looking at,but needless to say life is about change and we cannot deny it. The Change I’m referring to has been coming for a while now and like it or not My Husband of 22 years and I will be going through a Divorce. At first all of this was heart breaking and scary and I felt so alone but something came over me. “YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS ALONE” I talked to God, I asked for guidance, here’s what I got. First I had a comforting sensation and a reassuring feeling that everything will be ok. I was guided to look into my own darkest part of my heart shedding light on what it is I’m still holding onto. What it is that is causing my pain. What I saw was a refusal to love. I saw a great fear of my own wellbeing and future. I saw how my fear kept me in a small, trapped angry place an...