sum ergo sum

Another sweet message from my daughter. I'm staying at my friend Sue’s house in Palm City Florida. The morning is clear and windy. The house is quiet I am alone. I have been feeling a bit uneasy. I am happy to be in Florida, I am excited to continue working on my flight instructor certificate but for the moment I have had a hiccup with finances and do not have the money to pay for any training.  In the meantime was thinking about getting involved with a grief group or possibly teaching a yoga workshop to help alleviate the pain of loss. Maybe even work part time with hospice. I'm sure I can create someway to fill my time and give back to the community.  I have been going through my journals wanting to find entries to add to my next book  “Year two,”( I actually filled 8 journals since Juliana died.) I found an entry about feeling confused and frustrated and not knowing where I was going. This seems to be a theme these days. I realize it was written last year ...

Cant sleep its 3am my mind is freaking out. What is going on, what am I to do with myself?  I feel an overwhelming dark cloud of grief and worry swirling around me. My thoughts are of my children and their safety, how I need to keep them safe and literally cannot.  Their lives are their own and I am here as a witness.  I get to marvel in their world but it does not belong to me.  Nothing belongs to me. My fear has got a hold of my thoughts and is twisting my perception to one of despair, anguish, anxiety and torment. I decide to get out of bed I need to do something other than flip and flop in my sleepless state.  I sit in the shower the warm water feels soothing on my skin. I then make my way down stairs for a cup of tea and my journal.  Some how I know that I can work this out in writing. Writing has helped in so many ways, it seems that when the thoughts are translated into words on paper I can make sense of them. Here’s what I came up with. ...