My Ego and I

My ego and I

 I awoke from a dream of chaos and turmoil, feeling confused and frustrated, furious, misunderstood, ignored, unimportant, insignificant. These feelings lingered for a bit muddying up my beautiful morning and then something happened as I sat with the feelings. (I literally sat on the couch with a note pad and cup of coffee and would take notes as the storm cloud of emotions passed through me.) The scary feelings began to pass and I began to feel free, this process wasn’t one of conjuring up meaning around the emotion only one of just being with the emotion. I imagined this emotion was like a friend I can sit quietly with.

As the emotion passed I began to see a mental program that has been running my life. This program was put in place for my survival. It was a necessary program for all of us when we lived with wild animals trying to eat us. But I could see how this program needed some updating. My Ego, I imagine her as a young dominatrix dressed in black leather with a whip. She is strong and opinionated, she thrives on being right and making the world wrong, she is seductive and whispers in my ear constantly. She teases me into believing the world is a bad place, un-safe, and I am a bad person if I venture out too far. If I love too much, if I laugh too loud, then I leave myself open, I’m being venerable.

As I sit with my emotion, I sit with my ego, I begin to see through the old program to the point that it seems comical; my beautiful young ego has a special place she has kept me safe all this time. She did her job, I have survived thus far. I tell her thank you and job well done, I have given her a vacation. She can take off the leather and put on a sundress she’s going to Hawaii. I’ll try driving this ship for a while.