Let it be

let It be

Feeling down is a familiar place for me. I believe I have spent most of my life in a mild state of depression. Detached from my body and the other people in my life. I don’t have many childhood memories that are positive. Most of what I remember is foggy, aloof, disconnected. This place was a sort of hiding ground for me as a young person being able to watch from the sidelines rather than jump in and be a part of my life. Well here I am at almost 42 just learning to jump in take the bull by the horns, trust that it will all work out.

Here I am loving this life

Here I am loving my children

Here I am diving into my fear and coming out the other side

Here I am realizing that I have more power than I could have ever imagined

Here I am sitting at my laptop after three days of absolute depression talking to you.

Here I am calling my self forward.

When I get caught up in the emotions of being sad and being defeated not much gets done, all I want to do is drink to avoid my pain. I see now that this pattern is a vicious cycle and the avoiding of my experience is something I’ve done since the beginning of me. Avoiding.

I needed to go to this pit in order to see my habit of avoiding.

It’s a defense mechanism. It’s a survival technique. The funny thing is I will not survive, none of us will. Why am I working so hard at it? This is the game. This is what I’m here for. The experience of what I am not, so that I may know what I am.

I am not that sad little girl who hides and avoids life. In fact it is quite the opposite. I am a powerful woman who loves completely, who can do anything she puts her heart and mind to. I am that woman who knows who we all are and lives accordingly. I savor this sweet life and every breath. Every movement is complete magic, even the ones when I forget. This forgetting is actually the game I play. Forgetting who I am. Forgetting what I am capable of. Forgetting who the people around me are. Forgetting why we are here. This forgetting is like a thick fog that rolls in over the mountains and settles into the valley of my distorted mind.     

What to do? 

simply Be

be in the fog 

be in the distortion 

be me and know everything changes

be and let it be