sum ergo sum

Greiving~ denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. The stages of grieving.... Well, I think I got mine a little mixed up but here goes. I know I will have to go through all these stages at some point but what I have felt so far are denial and depression. Anger is now showing up and I don’t like it. I do not like feeling so angry. I look into my anger and I cannot blame anyone or any thing it just is and I don’t know what to do with it.  What is anger anyway? {Anger is used as a protective mechanism to cover up fear, hurt or sadness} Where does it stem from and how can I rid myself of this feeling?  I feel like a monster. I will sit with this intense emotion, I will feel it through my every cell. I will let it run its course like a nasty virus and I will be still. I will allow my body to process.   I will writhe and scream, I will spit and curs, and it will be ok. It will all be ok, this is what I asked for and here I am feeling ...

Home What is it anyway~ I woke with a deep longing to be home, this happens now and again but this time it was almost crippling. I wrapped my arms around my middle, curled into a fetal position and wept. It felt like an eternity of tears and uncontrollable sobs. I then asked my self what am I missing? What is actually going on? Why am I having such intense emotion around the concept of “HOME”?   Here’s what I got; as a young person we were moved around from house to house, and state to state, even spending many of our moves in Mexico. My parents were nomads, Gypsies. They would move us with out a moments notice and take us to some unknown place. As a child I had no idea why we would move so much but it usually meant I got to leave school and drive across country and start again somewhere else. Eventually this became tiresome as I would not want to be stuck in a van with six or seven other kids, and I did not want to leave my friends behind. I did want an education. The...

Standing on the edge of the abyss naked wearing nothing but my diamond earrings, the world is a wondrous place. I wave my arms and greet the sky anything is possible. The wind blows around my skin and my heart beats faster. This is it, my life is mine, and I jump. Sailing into the unknown with out a parachute only a smile. My body plunges into the vast spaciousness and I am free. Solo, but not alone, I am greeted by the rush of gravity taking hold. The forces of nature guide me as I make my way to the unimaginable. My eyes fill with liquid and my form begins to shift. Into what? I do not know. I feel only the rush moving towards a destiny, a death of the illusion. Layers upon layers peel away reveling my limited thinking, revealing my soul. I am bone I am flesh. I am nothing and empty and full. The void has me, caresses my heart and comforts my mind.  This journey has only one finale and I am screaming towards it.

Swapping skin suits Dream   I had the ability to switch out skin suits. My body could be put on and taken off like a piece of clothing. When I would step into my skin I would immediately feel all the attachments and preferences connected to the physical being. The love and relationships that were important and the unique combination of   chemicals hormones and emotions that were habitually flooding my body. I would try on other peoples skin and sink right into the thoughts and fears and loves and moments of that person. All the attachments of my old skin were gone as I was submerged into a new set of sensory preferences. I could feel the connection of loved ones and stories. I could completely understand the feelings associated with the stories that were present. Each skin suit was wonderfully unique; it came along with such a beautiful combination of likes and dislikes and habits and talents. What I did notice was as I was able to bring my consciousness into these suit...

“You don’t have to do it alone”. One of my favorite Books The Shack. I recently have been going through a really dark and frightening transition in my life, one that I didn’t want to even consider looking at,but needless to say life is about change and we cannot deny it. The Change I’m referring to has been coming for a while now and like it or not My Husband of 22 years and I will be going through a Divorce. At first all of this was heart breaking and scary and I felt so alone but something came over me. “YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS ALONE” I talked to God, I asked for guidance, here’s what I got. First I had a comforting sensation and a reassuring feeling that everything will be ok. I was guided to look into my own darkest part of my heart shedding light on what it is I’m still holding onto. What it is that is causing my pain. What I saw was a refusal to love. I saw a great fear of my own wellbeing and future. I saw how my fear kept me in a small, trapped angry place an...