sum ergo sum

What you seek is seeking you~Rumi There is a great invisible force that is working every moment to pull us into alignment with the things we desire. Since the death of my 19 year old daughter,  I have had the desire to make a difference in the world. I want to help people. I want to inspire others to live amazing lives. I have only wanted to share love and hope and comfort. I know we are all dealing with our monsters and some times the best thing we can do is to recognize the struggle, have compassion then step boldly into the unknown.  Yesterday I had an amazing random, (not so random) chance meeting with a lovely lady. I know with out a doubt this was a spirit appointment and she and I showed up exactly at the right place at the right time to make a difference in each others lives. I had been on a walk and noticed a new little restaurant in the location of a building I loved many years ago. Back in the day the building was old wood, completely run down, no...

Another sweet message from my daughter. I'm staying at my friend Sue’s house in Palm City Florida. The morning is clear and windy. The house is quiet I am alone. I have been feeling a bit uneasy. I am happy to be in Florida, I am excited to continue working on my flight instructor certificate but for the moment I have had a hiccup with finances and do not have the money to pay for any training.  In the meantime was thinking about getting involved with a grief group or possibly teaching a yoga workshop to help alleviate the pain of loss. Maybe even work part time with hospice. I'm sure I can create someway to fill my time and give back to the community.  I have been going through my journals wanting to find entries to add to my next book  “Year two,”( I actually filled 8 journals since Juliana died.) I found an entry about feeling confused and frustrated and not knowing where I was going. This seems to be a theme these days. I realize it was written last year ...

New Orleans In May I happened to see a post from the New Orleans Burlesque Fest inviting performers to submit audition videos to participate in the upcoming event in September. I of course sent in the video of the aerial cube act from our Pagosa Burlesque show that happened in March. Not really expecting anything I was surprised when I received the official invitation. My partner informed me she would be out of the country and I would need to replace her. Malaya, my lovely daughter was my first choice, she is already a strong aerial performer and she and I have similar body builds. Not to mention performing with my daughter is a dream come true.    The cube is unforgiving, painful and frustrating to master. Many days we would show up, bang and bruise, smack each other, whack our heads and get completely dizzy. The steel bars are brutal and our bodies showed the battle wounds. She and I worked for three months on the routine and sure enough after our many days of ...

Juliana,  Sweet darling, I miss you.  Its been 599 days, there are still so many days it’s hard to believe you have left this world. I love you so much. Your passing has been a freaking wrecking ball on this existence. My world seems flat at many times, dull, pointless.  However this is only the contrast to the many moments of magic I experience, because you have left. Its the shading to the brilliant landscape. I suppose it’s all necessary in order to truly see a picture, there has to be dark places. I want to focus on the light, on the many moments of beauty I have experienced because of you. I take life more slowly these days nothing is important especially the little things, like needing to look good or be right. I stopped fighting and started listening. I look for reasons to be grateful everyday and know that the impermanent nature of this world is a gift.  It’s like being on vacation when there are limited days and every day counts. I want to...

Lessons form mom.  As the days and moments of my life blend together, I realize that my original thought patterns were inspired by a loving, gracious human I get to call mom.   She came into this planet with a strong desire to understand the nature of god and her role as a woman. Times were very different then and her contrast of aloof parents caused her to search for a greater meaning and understanding of life.   As a very young girl she was drawn to religion, she explored many different churches until she found one that worked well for her.   The parameters of religious views gave her a platform to stand on and a mindset of a loving god and a trust in the process of life.   She raised all of her children in a place of wonder and connection. We learned at an early age that life is so much more than we can see with our eyes.  Her profound connection to the divine was my inspiration to develop my own love and connection. ...

Time such a tricky concept. Lately it has had a strange effect on my brain and all time seems to mesh into one huge bubble of random events. Time is not linear it’s a swirling cyclone of floating particles lifting and falling as the days pass.  Today it has been 500 days since the Passing of my sweet daughter Juliana Sunn Ellsmore  She lived a total of 7,218 days.  It feels like yesterday and a million days ago.  How is it possible to fit an entire life into a tiny envelope of days, minutes, and seconds.  Life seems to transcend time. When I look back I see a whole lot of empty space, a vast blackness lit up by sparkly moments glistening into my memory. When I look forward I see the same vast nothingness lit up by sparkles of possibilities. Maybe time is actually space and its moments are stars. Now is all there is, Now, this exact moment.  How many stars will I create with this moment?

 Today I was at the family home watching dogs while Darren is out of town. I went into Juliana's room as I usually do when I visit the house. I started speaking to her out loud, I was the only one in the house and wasn't worried about being heard. I suddenly had a need to look in one of her dresser drawers. I found a notebook of Juliana's from high school. When I opened the notebook I turned to a page where she had written a story about her death. I wrote her words below. She must have known something about how she would leave this world.   Juliana's words~ The day my heart stopped Life was normal calm and busy vibrant and dull loud and quiet all in the same. There wasn’t even a indication that the following moment would be my last. Bzzz, (immanent crash) then there was nothing. For a moment the dark consumed my entire being and in a blink I was back outside of my car racing to them screaming “ARE YOU OK? I'M SO SORRY, PLEASE PLEASE JUST LOOK AT ME” they ...