sum ergo sum

Beliefs I have had lots of time to ponder the deeper meanings of life in the past few weeks. My entire world has shut down for a little bit and I am left to think about many things. Something that keeps coming up for me is “What do I believe?” Dissecting my beliefs one by one asking if they actually make any sense or if I just believe them because I always have. I realized that beliefs are a unique force in nature that causes things to happen.   They literally are the beginning point of all creation.  W hat’s fascinating about them is they can change according to what we want to experience, but only if we believe so. For instance, if I had a belief that “I’m fat” running through my mind and I never gave it a question. If I just accepted it then my body, my world, the mirror, would begin to prove my belief to me. In every instance, I would begin to feel uncomfortable in my body. I would loose motivation to eat right and exercise. I would spend my days on the co...

clues As the hours turn into days and now weeks I am on a desperate search for clues. My daughter’s death has brought on so many questions. The type of questions none of us ever want to think about. Why are we here? What is next? What really happens to us when we die? How is it possible for such a young beautiful person to leave us so abruptly?  There has to be some sort of clue, why didn’t I know it was coming?  Did she know she was making her last drive on a road she drove so often? Was there something we could have done different? How does any of this make sense?   Where there any signs or symbols that we missed? Racking my brain for thoughts, memories, conversations, and any thing that was a hint into what was coming to be. Juliana’s instagram account tag line was~ Live like you’ll die tomorrow but learn like you’ll live forever.~ The last post is a picture of her and her Grandfather. They are both gone. The Sunday before her accident I was ...

Smile once smile twice smile for the tears you pretend not to cry  when youre alone in the night  Laugh just once laugh just twice  not to make them think havn't lost you mind  well not just yet anyways  Just because your heart is frowning doesn’t mean the love is drowning just keep head up high  Listen to the words that I'm say'n  hear the chords that I'm play'n   Please don’t forget my love  That life is worth it  cause you are so perfect to me  Sit next to her sit next to him  just to fake yet another stupid grin  and hope  no one asks whats wrong  Grab your heaphones play your music  ignore the world, you just mute it anyways. Just ignore the hate  Just because youre heart is frowning  doesn’t mean the love is drowning  Just keep head up high,  listen to the words that I'm sing'n  hear te chords that I'm play'...

Thinking about my daughter and her brief 19 years on this planet has given me a new feeling about my own life. I am so fortunate to have had so many beautiful years with her. Her passing has made me embrace my living children with tremendous love and affection. I have a new respect for all the living beings on this planet and a complete appreciation for how we each affect each other’s lives. Every life is important and special and I know we are here to live fully with no regrets. In the last few weeks of her life I had the privilege of spending lots of time with her. Together we found an apartment in Denver. We moved her belongings into our new place, laughed about being schoolgirls and roommates together. We dreamt about or future and all the new possibilities. We talked about how excited she was to graduate from massage school and begin her career. We drank wine from mugs and shared a meatball sub on the couch. Life was so thrilling and bright for her. I know as she was dr...

Thank you all so much for the tremendous outpouring of love and support and compassion and kindness. It has been a nonstop flood of love flowing towards our family. All the food, flowers, gifts and sweet words of comfort have meant so much to our family in this terrible time. We all thank you deeply. A few words from a mother’s perspective. When I was in labor with Juliana the midwife told me, that natural labor is the most amount of pain a body can handle before it dies. Going through her birth brought a sense of confidence in the knowing that I survived. However, I believe she was wrong. Feeling the loss and grief over my daughter’s death is more. Its not only a physical crippling sensation it’s a literal suffocating fog of the deepest sadness I have ever experienced. The worst nightmare materializing and not a thing I can do but feel every ounce of excruciating anguish. What I understand from this experience is pain is Natures Tenderizer. Its an opportunity to intimat...