sum ergo sum

Cant sleep its 3am my mind is freaking out. What is going on, what am I to do with myself?  I feel an overwhelming dark cloud of grief and worry swirling around me. My thoughts are of my children and their safety, how I need to keep them safe and literally cannot.  Their lives are their own and I am here as a witness.  I get to marvel in their world but it does not belong to me.  Nothing belongs to me. My fear has got a hold of my thoughts and is twisting my perception to one of despair, anguish, anxiety and torment. I decide to get out of bed I need to do something other than flip and flop in my sleepless state.  I sit in the shower the warm water feels soothing on my skin. I then make my way down stairs for a cup of tea and my journal.  Some how I know that I can work this out in writing. Writing has helped in so many ways, it seems that when the thoughts are translated into words on paper I can make sense of them. Here’s what I came up with. ...

Soul reboot~ Question?  When we die does it feel like waking up from a dream? Do we remember the details the love the people the story, or does it all disappear when our eyes open. Do we even have eyes to open? After the death of my daughter I have been doing everything I can to stay connected to her essence. I look for signs everywhere. I search my dreams, I search faces, pictures, animals, butterflies, the wind. Everything is now somehow connected to her. Its actually pretty wild how my mind can turn a song or conversation into something about my daughter and truthfully, it’s comforting. My youngest daughter and I decided to take a little time away and go on a trip together. We are working on completing Juliana’s extensive bucket list. Surfing and cliff diving are two things we get to check off after our fantastic stay In Puerto Rico. During our stay there were so many beautiful moments of clarity and understanding. Seeing the course of events unfolding and...

Inspiration~   Taking a break, hitting a serious reset button on my life. Taking time to evaluate and simplify and prioritize the people, the experiences, the importance of all of the things I focus on and give time and energy too. Sitting quietly on an island staring at the sea, waves, birds, sunshine, and sand. I breathe and feel my heart. I breathe and know everything will be ok. I breathe and tears roll down my cheeks and I feel gratitude to have a body that can feel the streaks of wet. I am so happy to be here now in the middle of the chaos of loss and grief and beauty, magic and inspiration. My entire world has been shaken, like a snow globe. The cool part is, I didn’t know that there were sparkles on the ground. I never even imagined that if it were shook hard enough that the most beautiful shimmering glitter diamonds would appear everywhere and my life would be surrounded by magic. My flat world has become alive, multidimensional, fluid. Every corner, eve...