sum ergo sum

 New Filter Today I saw a picture of myself  that helped me to notice a filter that I’ve been living by. The picture is of my 14-year-old self looking exhausted. Looking at this young girl reminded me that I have felt tired for most of my life. I have had nights where I wake from a deep sleep and notice my self-saying “I’m so tired” How could this be if I’m sleeping?  I literally get more sleep than any grown person I know. What dawned on me is that the story I keep telling my self of being so tired is a mental habit. It’s a filter that I’ve been looking through for many, many years. Its as though I’ve been wearing a pair of glasses that have a tired tint on them and all I can perceive is TIRED. Today I took the glasses off and whala~ I’m not tired. I feel awake, alive excited and full of energy. Noticing this filter that has been my companion for most of my life is only the first step. Now it is my choice to live from the habit of being tired or my ...

Top five I woke in the middle of the night frantically needing to write down information. I had a realization that we all can have what we want in life if we first decide what it is. In my case I have been wandering around looking for “answers” and bingo my life has been about exactly that “looking, searching, discovering” this sounds great and all but at times I have felt like a hamster on an exercise wheel finding all the same things over and over. Not really going anywhere. It dawned on me that I’ve been putting my attention and energy on the wrong things. I have not wanted to write down what I want in life or what I like or what I want to do simply because I don’t want to be trapped in any one scenario. Lack of commitment? Maybe, or just plain misunderstanding. What I didn’t realize that even though I thought I was outsmarting life and leaving my options open I was actually sealing my fate and creating life experiences called “confusion” “detachment” “no power” When I wo...

There’s no crying in CrossFit   Show no emotion; push your body hard, Grunt, swear, and throw things but no crying allowed Wrong! Crying is amazing. Let me explain. Today I finally got handstand pushups. Something I have been working on for months. For some reason lowering my head to the floor was a huge issue for me. I was afraid of hurting my neck. This was clearly a mental block and approaching the wall with a fellow coach staring at me wasn’t helping. Then something happened I tried and succeeded. To my own disbelief I tried again and was successful again. The WOD called out for 25 burpee handstand pushups and I felt intimidated but knew I had to try. Pushing my limits has been a consistent thing in CrossFit. Go till failure. Then next time I try that failure point may be a little different. This philosophy has been a new and challenging way to approach life and I think I really like it. During the grueling 25 burpee handstand pushups I took them one at a time. I...

I woke up this morning and realized something spectacular.  The love I’m waiting for is me.  I remember hearing this years ago and at that point it had an impact however, as all things come and go, I completely forgot.  I’ve been wandering around this planet looking for my love, looking for my passion, looking for my purpose, and going to bed at night feeling empty, dissatisfied, sad.  Something shifted and this morning feels different.  I feel excited!  I feel alive!  I feel like singing to the world what a beautiful amazing day it is.  I remembered.  How completely simple and profound. I wish this feeling on everyone. To love~  The next part of this equation is the most important.  The Love I wish to experience can only come from the love I give.  The love I express wholeheartedly unconditionally is mine to keep.  The expression of Being Love, allows me to completely dive into my purpose my pas...

Confusion If you were to ask me the question, (who are you? or what do you like?, describe yourself?) I would have a complete meltdown  with tears and self pity and physical symptoms like fatigue and stomach ache.  I usually leave the Bio section blank on everything I do. I had to have my business partner write my short bio for our website and it made me cry when I read it. It took me well over a month to create a resume.  Theres something in me that has a huge hang up on trying to describe me in simple terms. The reason behind this is that I truly don't know who I am or what I like or where I am going. Its evident if you look at my library of a thousand self help/ motivational books.   When my youngest daughter was little she would ask me, “mommy whats your favorite color today?” I would reply “this very moment it is _________ but it could change”.   I also wouldn't make promises when the kids asked me and my reasoning was, how do I know if I wont change...

I died in 1964, Paris. She died when I was 5 (1978) She was talking to me in my dreams last night. She is my sweet angel. I feel her presence and continual caring, her joy and excitement for my life this time around. She watches and reminds me that above all to always choose LOVE. Let me explain; I woke this morning with a knowing of my death, I was under La tour Eiffell, not sure how old I was but knowing the year was 1964 Paris. I felt a presence, a gentle loving soul that was speaking sweetly to me. She was my love in that life and is my angel in this one. We shared a life together and she was left alone at my passing. She died 14 years later. I, (this time around) was born in 1973 so this means my angel and I were human at the same time. I was 5years old when she finally left the planet.  Last night in my dream I was told something, about my purpose. I was obsessed with women and I needed to experience what it is to be completely woman.  To ex...

Lessons from Mexico This trip was a spontaneous decision, which came about over lunch at our local Mexican restaurant. My son and I were having a post work out meal when we ran into some friends having their lunch. We chatted and showed pictures of some fun partner yoga postures. I of course boasting about how strong my 19 yr old boy is and then they asked if I would like to go to Mexico with them. Without hesitation I agreed and that was it.  Two days later I purchased my ticket and two weeks after that was on a plane to visit a country that at one point was my home. Traveling alone as I like it. On my journey I decided that this would be a great opportunity to dive deep into my meditative self and focus on simply being present. This is what I discovered. First of all this was the first trip I took with no real agenda, it was just a vacation simply for the sake of taking a vacation. I have traveled many places but each of those trips had a purpose, so...