sum ergo sum

Spirit support 11 months today, our beautiful Juliana left this world.    Its been a whirlwind of an experience.   I haven’t been posting in my blog as my attention was intensely focused on studying and passing my flight exam and check ride.  I’m happy to announce the instrument rating is now behind me as I passed with flying colors, literally.  The magnitude of the preparation has been all consuming. I didn’t know that I actually had the ability to study with such dedication. The flying practice itself was extremely challenging and many days I wanted to give up.  During the check ride, (after we had been already flying for over an hour,) I was feeling extreme doubt and exhaustion. My examiner was doing his best to cause a disorienting situation by changing my instruments. He placed sticky notes on three of the critical instruments then expected me to find my way with only use of a oscillating compass, all the time remaining on course.  I was privately in a panic

Something has shifted~  The day before the 18 th  I woke with an amazing feeling of clarity. My eyes shot right open as I felt the heavy mental fog lift off my tormented brain. This feeling was so intense that it was all I could talk about for the past two days. I feel wonderful!!! Its been 9 months since my daughter left this world. I have been writing everyday, spilling my heart out to my journals trying to make sense of my world.  Every single day she would bombard my thoughts.  Every single day I would have intense emotion flooding my cells.  Every day tears would flow, so much some times that I couldn’t be in public.  Every day I questioned my course of action and my purpose on this planet.  When am I going to feel better?  How long does it take to grieve the loss of a loved one? When will I actually let go of the sadness? When can I just be happy to be alive? This whole process has been one of learning to let go of needing to control anything, es

Check in  I’m currently sitting in a little white, well lit, room on a comfy bed. My bags and books all around me. I will be diving into my studies in a bit but I just wanted to get a few words out as there coming to me now.  I have been in So Florida for almost 7 weeks and have been staying with a sweet family that has opened their home to me. I came here to get a change of perspective. I came here with the intention of working on my flying so that eventually I can work as a professional helicopter pilot. I’m still very inexperienced and still have so much work to do. I love flying. I love learning and at this point in my life I’m so grateful I have it as a distraction.  Before I chose to come here I was basically isolating my self from the world, submerged in the depths of my own grief and heartache. I would spend my days sitting on the couch staring at the walls completely lost. Not knowing how to navigate my own heart and the feelings of loosing my child.  Being here

As most of you know my beautiful 19 yr old daughter passed away just a few months ago. She was in a tragic car accident and died,( according to coroner), immediately on impact. The last few month have been so challenging to navigate. I have been searching for comfort and understanding and made an appointment with a psychic medium. It took 6 weeks to talk with her and I am happy I did, here are some of the words that came through. enjoy. side note: the woman has an adorable Australian accent and some of her expressions didn't make sense but I wrote them anyway. Who’s lost a child? I hear some one say, “I’m her child.” have you got, one in heaven? -yes-   Your girl is well, yet she went tragically She also said you didn’t have time to say goodbye to her. - no- So she’s come in today to tell you all about everything ok.   There’s a birthday coming up? I hear happy birthday – she just had her birthday- You all were around for her birthday? She’s showi

Cant sleep its 3am my mind is freaking out. What is going on, what am I to do with myself?  I feel an overwhelming dark cloud of grief and worry swirling around me. My thoughts are of my children and their safety, how I need to keep them safe and literally cannot.  Their lives are their own and I am here as a witness.  I get to marvel in their world but it does not belong to me.  Nothing belongs to me. My fear has got a hold of my thoughts and is twisting my perception to one of despair, anguish, anxiety and torment. I decide to get out of bed I need to do something other than flip and flop in my sleepless state.  I sit in the shower the warm water feels soothing on my skin. I then make my way down stairs for a cup of tea and my journal.  Some how I know that I can work this out in writing. Writing has helped in so many ways, it seems that when the thoughts are translated into words on paper I can make sense of them. Here’s what I came up with. I am currently going throug

Soul reboot~ Question?  When we die does it feel like waking up from a dream? Do we remember the details the love the people the story, or does it all disappear when our eyes open. Do we even have eyes to open? After the death of my daughter I have been doing everything I can to stay connected to her essence. I look for signs everywhere. I search my dreams, I search faces, pictures, animals, butterflies, the wind. Everything is now somehow connected to her. Its actually pretty wild how my mind can turn a song or conversation into something about my daughter and truthfully, it’s comforting. My youngest daughter and I decided to take a little time away and go on a trip together. We are working on completing Juliana’s extensive bucket list. Surfing and cliff diving are two things we get to check off after our fantastic stay In Puerto Rico. During our stay there were so many beautiful moments of clarity and understanding. Seeing the course of events unfolding and bei

Inspiration~   Taking a break, hitting a serious reset button on my life. Taking time to evaluate and simplify and prioritize the people, the experiences, the importance of all of the things I focus on and give time and energy too. Sitting quietly on an island staring at the sea, waves, birds, sunshine, and sand. I breathe and feel my heart. I breathe and know everything will be ok. I breathe and tears roll down my cheeks and I feel gratitude to have a body that can feel the streaks of wet. I am so happy to be here now in the middle of the chaos of loss and grief and beauty, magic and inspiration. My entire world has been shaken, like a snow globe. The cool part is, I didn’t know that there were sparkles on the ground. I never even imagined that if it were shook hard enough that the most beautiful shimmering glitter diamonds would appear everywhere and my life would be surrounded by magic. My flat world has become alive, multidimensional, fluid. Every corner, every s