A shift in the Force.

Something has shifted~
 The day before the 18th 

I woke with an amazing feeling of clarity. My eyes shot right open as I felt the heavy mental fog lift off my tormented brain. This feeling was so intense that it was all I could talk about for the past two days. I feel wonderful!!!


Its been 9 months since my daughter left this world. I have been writing everyday, spilling my heart out to my journals trying to make sense of my world. 

Every single day she would bombard my thoughts. 
Every single day I would have intense emotion flooding my cells. 
Every day tears would flow, so much some times that I couldn’t be in public. 
Every day I questioned my course of action and my purpose on this planet. 

When am I going to feel better? 
How long does it take to grieve the loss of a loved one?
When will I actually let go of the sadness?
When can I just be happy to be alive?

This whole process has been one of learning to let go of needing to control anything, especially my emotions. 
Learning to just get up even if I don’t feel like it, get moving in a general direction, and its ok to not feel ok.

I had to give myself permission to slow down and feel my way through the murky waters as they were not clearing anytime soon.  Then miraculously, after almost 9 months to the day, I just felt good. 

As a mother I have experienced the gestation period of making a tiny baby inside my body, I am wondering if death too has its gestation period.

Now I’m not saying by any means that this is the time limit for grief I’m just happily reporting a shift in my emotional state.  I am absolutely welcoming this shift and feeling so excited to move forward in a positive and optimistic way.

Maybe what I am actually experiencing is the birth of my own transformation. 

Thank you to all of you who have been my web of support and love. Your caring and kindness have been the strands holding the broken pieces together. 

I made it through the tunnel and can stand upside down with a huge smile on my face.


Comments

  1. Vallen FamilySeptember 20, 2018 at 8:26 AM

    I remember I was coming out of a surgery, another pregnancy loss surgery, before the surgery I thought the grief was going to again consume me to the point of missing out on more time with my family that was happening in the NOW and I just wasn't. Instead I woke up knowing I was going to be sad, but that I was going to be able to move forward. I had been weighted down with so many many feelings that I didn't know how to process much. I would cry a lot, but when I was waking up, it felt like waking up emotionally too. It felt wonderful just to feel something else and know that I was making healing progress. Thank you for sharing your journey. I'm grateful for your example of talking through your experience. It helps so many be able to process too. I love you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sariah EllsmoreSeptember 20, 2018 at 11:47 AM

      Thank you for reading and sharing. I think talking about this stuff is so helpful in the healing process! I Love you~

      Delete

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