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I can't sleep

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Cant sleep its 3am my mind is freaking out.

What is going on, what am I to do with myself? 
I feel an overwhelming dark cloud of grief and worry swirling around me.

My thoughts are of my children and their safety, how I need to keep them safe and literally cannot. 
Their lives are their own and I am here as a witness. 
I get to marvel in their world but it does not belong to me. 
Nothing belongs to me.

My fear has got a hold of my thoughts and is twisting my perception to one of despair, anguish, anxiety and torment.

I decide to get out of bed I need to do something other than flip and flop in my sleepless state. 
I sit in the shower the warm water feels soothing on my skin. I then make my way down stairs for a cup of tea and my journal. 
Some how I know that I can work this out in writing.

Writing has helped in so many ways, it seems that when the thoughts are translated into words on paper I can make sense of them.

Here’s what I came up with.


I am currently going through grief, it’s a given and …

Reboot

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Soul reboot~
Question?  When we die does it feel like waking up from a dream? Do we remember the details the love the people the story, or does it all disappear when our eyes open. Do we even have eyes to open?
After the death of my daughter I have been doing everything I can to stay connected to her essence. I look for signs everywhere. I search my dreams, I search faces, pictures, animals, butterflies, the wind. Everything is now somehow connected to her. Its actually pretty wild how my mind can turn a song or conversation into something about my daughter and truthfully, it’s comforting.
My youngest daughter and I decided to take a little time away and go on a trip together. We are working on completing Juliana’s extensive bucket list. Surfing and cliff diving are two things we get to check off after our fantastic stay In Puerto Rico.
During our stay there were so many beautiful moments of clarity and understanding. Seeing the course of events unfolding and being amazed by it all…

quiet inspiration

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Inspiration~ Taking a break, hitting a serious reset button on my life. Taking time to evaluate and simplify and prioritize the people, the experiences, the importance of all of the things I focus on and give time and energy too.
Sitting quietly on an island staring at the sea, waves, birds, sunshine, and sand. I breathe and feel my heart. I breathe and know everything will be ok. I breathe and tears roll down my cheeks and I feel gratitude to have a body that can feel the streaks of wet. I am so happy to be here now in the middle of the chaos of loss and grief and beauty, magic and inspiration.
My entire world has been shaken, like a snow globe. The cool part is, I didn’t know that there were sparkles on the ground. I never even imagined that if it were shook hard enough that the most beautiful shimmering glitter diamonds would appear everywhere and my life would be surrounded by magic. My flat world has become alive, multidimensional, fluid. Every corner, every sunbeam, every pictu…

Beliefs

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Beliefs I have had lots of time to ponder the deeper meanings of life in the past few weeks. My entire world has shut down for a little bit and I am left to think about many things. Something that keeps coming up for me is “What do I believe?”
Dissecting my beliefs one by one asking if they actually make any sense or if I just believe them because I always have. I realized that beliefs are a unique force in nature that causes things to happen.They literally are the beginning point of all creation. What’s fascinating about them is they can change according to what we want to experience, but only if we believe so.
For instance, if I had a belief that “I’m fat” running through my mind and I never gave it a question. If I just accepted it then my body, my world, the mirror, would begin to prove my belief to me. In every instance, I would begin to feel uncomfortable in my body. I would loose motivation to eat right and exercise. I would spend my days on the couch feeling sorry for my fat…

Clues

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clues As the hours turn into days and now weeks I am on a desperate search for clues. My daughter’s death has brought on so many questions. The type of questions none of us ever want to think about. Why are we here? What is next? What really happens to us when we die? How is it possible for such a young beautiful person to leave us so abruptly?  There has to be some sort of clue, why didn’t I know it was coming?  Did she know she was making her last drive on a road she drove so often? Was there something we could have done different? How does any of this make sense? Where there any signs or symbols that we missed?

Racking my brain for thoughts, memories, conversations, and any thing that was a hint into what was coming to be.
Juliana’s instagram account tag line was~ Live like you’ll die tomorrow but learn like you’ll live forever.~ The last post is a picture of her and her Grandfather. They are both gone.
The Sunday before her accident I was with her in Denver getting ready to drive…