Reboot

Soul reboot~

Question? 

When we die does it feel like waking up from a dream?

Do we remember the details the love the people the story, or does it all disappear when our eyes open. Do we even have eyes to open?

After the death of my daughter I have been doing everything I can to stay connected to her essence. I look for signs everywhere. I search my dreams, I search faces, pictures, animals, butterflies, the wind. Everything is now somehow connected to her. Its actually pretty wild how my mind can turn a song or conversation into something about my daughter and truthfully, it’s comforting.

My youngest daughter and I decided to take a little time away and go on a trip together. We are working on completing Juliana’s extensive bucket list.

Surfing and cliff diving are two things we get to check off after our fantastic stay In Puerto Rico.

During our stay there were so many beautiful moments of clarity and understanding. Seeing the course of events unfolding and being amazed by it all. 

Had Juliana not died, Malaya and I would of never traveled to Puerto Rico. We would of never Flew an uncomfortable airline and celebrated Kirras 21^st birthday with her. 

 Renting a little car to drive the 86 miles across the Hurricane destruction zone, with a spotty navigation system and spending time in a place that seemed to be dangerous, with my teenage daughter would have never been a possibility. 

There was just no reason to push our selves out of our comfortable lives until the unthinkable happened. And then every thing was a reason. Every moment of the clock ticking felt like an eternity and a call to be bold. There was an intense need to trust that the universe had our backs and what ever we choose to do we would be protected. 

Adventure was the only thing that made any sense.

Fear was not an option, the greatest fear I could ever have had already manifested and I was still alive. 

 What else could possibly be worse?

Puerto Rico was soothing, gorgeous, healthy, fresh delicious. The people were kind and sweet, the ocean memorizing. Our Darling hostess shared so many wonderful experiences with us. She guided us through the island into beauty and adventure. We played and laughed and cried and danced our way back into being.

I see now that all of life is calling, every juicy moment just waiting to be felt, cherished, explored and lived.

To my precious daughter without a body, I love you more then I could ever express. Words do not do justice. I am so grateful to have had the experience of being your mother and friend. I am so grateful that your leaving this world has pushed me beyond my comfort and made me grow as a person. Fear is not an excuse and cannot ever be again.

You have caused me to move boldly courageously into the unknown.

To my wonderful living children, God I’m so lucky to be your mom! I hope to be able to show you in every moment how much you mean to me and how proud I am of all of you. You each are so completely loved and cherished. I hope to love you and grow with you for many, many years to come.

  

 To all of you reading, I hope this day finds you healthy happy and boldly exploring your lives with joyful abandon.

Courageously feeling every moment and loving it all.