surrendering to life

Memory

A young 24 year old pregnant woman crying in a heap on the bathroom floor. Pleading to God to just make it end.

I was begging God to take away my life and end the misery. The pain was tremendous and I knew I couldn’t bare it for one more day.

At the time my husband and I and two little children lived in house in San Diego with several other people. The house was rented by the owner of the company we worked for. We rented a small bedroom from him.   We were both working for a direct sales and marketing company and had nothing to our name except a few suit cases, an air mattress, (we slept on with our toddler son), and a playpen set up as my baby daughters makeshift crib. Our bags were stacked around the tiny room.

My husband and I had to put our two little ones into a day care in order to go out into the sales field daily just to make enough money to buy milk and diapers maybe remain noodles for that day. My son pretty much lived off of peanut butter.

During this challenging time I had found out I was pregnant again and was devastated. I had no idea how this situation was going to support yet another person in our family not to mention my morning sickness was making it very challenging for me to work. Puking in the field isn’t a pretty sight.

Feeling like the world was crashing down on me I begged God to end it, to end me. I wasn’t strong enough to handle being a mother again and couldn’t bare living in these conditions any longer.  As much as I loved and adored my already living children I felt hopeless in the situation I was in.

As I lay on the floor in the bathroom crying my eyes out something came over me. “My life is not mine to take, I was intertwined in a web of all life and a necessary part of the unfolding of the many people involved. There is a divine scheme at work and my surrender to it was necessary in order to find joy and meaning in my existence”.  

This was all I needed to find peace in my predicament. I went back to my bed and slept knowing that my life was important and the children I was creating were counting on me as their mother to guide them through this creation.

Looking back at those early years I feel a sense of compassion and gratitude for that young woman, for her willingness to keep playing the game of life. It is because of her and her questioning God and purpose that I am here today to enjoy all of life in every moment. Surrendering to life.