Break down breakthrough~
Recently, I’ve been looking into some of the conditioned habitual thinking that has been running my mind. Dr. Wayne Dyer calls these thoughts mind viruses. They come from our early childhood and are usually passed from person to person without ever being noticed. Basically, the mental programs we adopt as kids stay with us until we finally choose to look at them. Our individual world will continue to run a certain way until the day we finally want to take a peek at the man behind the curtain.
The day we distinguish what is really running our life is a magical day.
For me finally discovering some of the mental viruses that were running my life felt so tremendously empowering, kind of like I was living under a spell and the spell was broken.
This happened in a moment I would least expect it. I was fighting with my husband. I couldn’t understand how I could be so upset. It took me three days of not speaking to him, running my programs, feeling sad and alone and sorry for my self. Then all of a sudden the mental clouds parted and I could clearly see exactly what I was doing. I immediately jotted down some notes. Here’s what I discovered.
First, by talking full responsibility for my life, I realized that he was a gift. I had been asking for insight into my relationship with him. Our fight was helping me expose my mind viruses. Allowing me to reencounter them clearly.
As I replayed the argument in my mind I asked my self how each of the details made me feel.
The feelings were key. They were confused, angry, unfairly treated, like a victim, unloved, and that there was not enough love. I wanted to punish him, to withdraw, to hurt back. I felt as if my future was unknown, and sad and lonely. My heart felt heavy, I didn’t want to look him in the eye. Then Hatred poured out of me fuming hot hatred, and finally I felt sorry for my self.
Bingo. These were all very real emotions and my ego wanted to be right and justified, I wanted to punish him for making me feel this way.
The truth is I am in charge of how I feel, not another person on this entire planet can make me feel anything.
It was then very apparent that these feelings were in my mind just waiting to be felt. They had been there for a very long time. They became part of me when I was five and in kindergarten and had decided that the world was a cold dark place where things are unfair and sad and I was undeserving of love or validation, I was worthless and small and had no power. Out of self- protection I developed the part of my personality that said “I don’t care.” This was the mastermind of almost every inch of my existence. “I don’t care” followed me everywhere.
The truth is I do care. I care about life and people and animals and love. I care about giving and helping and happiness and beauty. I care about my husband and children and my family. I care about this planet and have such a tremendous feeling of wanting to be of service and share this caring wherever I can. My heart feels full and I am so happy to be able to connect with such a powerful part of myself. I have my husband to thank for this, for his willingness to challenge me into becoming the best version of my self.
Imagine what our world would look life if we each could grasp the magnitude of importance, each and every encounter with another really is. If only we came here knowing that the person who is standing in front of us is actually a gift, an insight into our own awareness, a perfectly crafted mirror into our own soul.