If you were to ask me the question, (who are you? or what do you like?, describe yourself?) I would have a complete meltdown with tears and self pity and physical symptoms like fatigue and stomach ache. I usually leave the Bio section blank on everything I do. I had to have my business partner write my short bio for our website and it made me cry when I read it. It took me well over a month to create a resume.
Theres something in me that has a huge hang up on trying to describe me in simple terms. The reason behind this is that I truly don't know who I am or what I like or where I am going. Its evident if you look at my library of a thousand self help/ motivational books.
When my youngest daughter was little she would ask me, “mommy whats your favorite color today?” I would reply “this very moment it is _________ but it could change”. I also wouldn't make promises when the kids asked me and my reasoning was, how do I know if I wont change my mind.
This way of living has been an exhausting whirl wind of confusion.
I have invested a lot of time and energy in the game of being confused.
Recently I have been sitting with the the question What do I value? Its taken me three days to compile a list and during this process I saw a glimpse of how Ive been and how I create this mentally challenging place called confusion. I do it to challenge my self, its like Alice in Wonderland in my mind and the hole just gets deeper and deeper. I realize I'm doing this to myself. Im creating the confusion so the game will have more meaning. I find and loose the answers just so I can find the same answers again. WHEEW~
I am my own confusion I am also my own clarity. If the things we think about expand and my words say I don't know and I don't understand , I have no clue or I don't care, then my reality is going to be a mess of shoulder shrugs and who knows? However if I change my words to I know, I understand, I get it, I like______, I choose, I see, then my world will be more clear.
I do realize that the one thing in the universe that remans consistent is change. I am ok with continually changing, I welcome it. I am seeing now that if I allow myself to experience clarity then I will also be able to fully experience change. Breathe, feel, touch, taste, see. Right now is all there is and its ok to say my favorite color is _________ right now. Right now I will be clear, I will hone my senses in and happily describe my experience. Right now I am sitting on my couch typing about my mental challenges. Right now I am enjoying a warm cup of coffee, right now I am happy to discover clarity. I am breathing in deeply and relaxing. Right now I am grateful for this game of life. I am grateful that I can change it as I go. Right now I am calm and my mind is quite and clear.