How can any of us ever really know who we are until we can go back and see the thoughts we had when we were little. If we could look into the mind of our infant self, the toddler the young child, then we can start to make sense of the filters we have been given. The filters that have formed our lives hide in these early years. This way of looking at life has a purpose it was created for us to survive the weird inexplicable events of our raising. The people involved the bizarre ideas that our little minds choose to hold on to are usually hard to access. They lay hidden in our subconscious darkness, obscured by a fog of misunderstanding. These thoughts that are usually written off as “childish nonsense” are the very foundation that the adult self is built upon. The self-loathing the sabotage the destructive person inside our minds is a child.
I’ve been reading a book about dreaming by Robert Moss; one of my amazing girlfriends recommended it. She has been doing dream work for quite sometime and has inspired me to look into my dreams for my hidden answers.
Roberts book has some great examples of dreaming.
I choose to set the intention of remembering what my mind is dreaming and kept a book close by to write first thing in the morning. This morning I had a tremendous awakening. My dream was horrible. I was able to write down most of it. Then I sat for a while with the emotions it brought up. As the emotion started to fade and tears dry up I was left with understanding. Ill explain
I’m in a disgusting dilapidated shack, dirt floors leaning walls un attached plumbing, bugs, mice doors with out hinges. This shack is the combination of many of the childhood houses we lived in.
I’m trying to clean out a tub so I can take a bath. The tub has no pluming and is covered by vines that have creped into the house. As I tear down the vines and sweep away the dirt I know I’m disturbing the spider nests and fear that the spiders will be crawling on me. As I ask my mother to check my back for creepy crawlies she grabs a big brown spider off of my back and slowly takes it out side. She tells me to stay still because there are more on my back. Instead of running and shaking off the spiders I wait patiently, helplessly, for her to return and remove the spiders. She returns and grabs another large brown spider off my back.
The feelings of this dream had to do with filth disgust, unfinished house, make shift random walls, no foundation, spiders, fear, being unable to move, my mother. Who to this day still lives in filth and un attached plumbing. Her house is infested with spiders.
What I realize from this dream is as a child I grew up in complete poverty. My mind only knew how to look for the dirt the grossness the creatures and the fear. I felt incapable of saving my self and knew that my mother was incapable as well. This disempowered, sad, dirty child is my filter. She has been living with me in my subconscious for my entire life. She needed to be saved from her upbringing, her make shift unstable, scary, dirty world and didn’t have the first clue how to change anything.
In my adult world I have been working on making changes I have been able to understand how to create and have formed a beautiful solid nourishing environment. I have been drawn to people and books that have taught me to see the world as a loving magical place and in turn my day to day events are lovely and sweet. I love my life now. However there are moments when I sabotage and try to dirty up my beautiful world.
Experiencing this dream I realize that a part of me is stuck in the filth of my childhood.
I am giving myself a rescue mission. I intend on rewriting the old story of my tiny Sariah and empower my child-self. I will go back and talk to her in my dreams. I will describe the glory I live now and help her to know that she is powerful and capable. I will let her look into the future and know that her childhood experiences are only temporary. I will teach her how to see beauty and magic.