Clues

clues

As the hours turn into days and now weeks I am on a desperate search for clues.

My daughter’s death has brought on so many questions. The type of questions none of us ever want to think about. Why are we here? What is next? What really happens to us when we die? How is it possible for such a young beautiful person to leave us so abruptly? 

There has to be some sort of clue, why didn’t I know it was coming?

 Did she know she was making her last drive on a road she drove so often? Was there something we could have done different? How does any of this make sense?

 Where there any signs or symbols that we missed?

Racking my brain for thoughts, memories, conversations, and any thing that was a hint into what was coming to be.

Juliana’s instagram account tag line was~ Live like you’ll die tomorrow but learn like you’ll live forever.~ The last post is a picture of her and her Grandfather. They are both gone.

The Sunday before her accident I was with her in Denver getting ready to drive to Pagosa.  As I was leaving she handed me a friends skate board and said please make sure he gets it. At first I thought it was a little weird she wanted me to take it because she would be driving down the next day, needless to say the skateboard was delivered safely. She never made it.

During my drive home as I was winding through the canyon that she would die in I randomly thought, “this would be a good canyon to die in all you have to do is drive straight.”

As most of you know that’s exactly what happened to her she just drove straight off a cliff.

 

She wore a whale tale necklace from Hawaii everyday. She never took it off. After the accident I was asking about the necklace, neither police nor the coroner had seen a necklace. Later as I was going through some of her things I just happened upon a container of jewelry her necklace was inside.

She wrote a song telling us to “smile”, and “please don’t forget my love”, that “life is worth it, cause you are so precious to me”.

A few months ago I wrote a post about diving off a cliff sailing towards the “one finale”.

I also had a vivid dream about swapping skin suits and when I was finished with the suit I could leave it by causing a heart attack, a car wreck, or cancer.

In the summer I  had an experience of leaving my body and what it feels like to be on the other side. I think this was a necessary experience for my understanding and ability to process the death of my 19 yr old daughter.

I look for her everywhere when scouring over pictures taken now with her friends I see her. In the dimly lit room I see flickers of something. I hear her in my head saying “Hey mama” then we have quiet conversations about life.

 I still miss her deeply, I’m sure the feelings will continue as I loved her deeply. The physical attachment is so strong. For the past 24 hrs I’ve been puking and sleeping. I believe this is my body’s way of letting her go.

For now this is it, I know that in time all of this will change as everything in life does eventually change.  But until then I will continue to search for clues, clues that she is still here with us, clues that she is communication her love to us. Clues that we are so much more than we think and that Death is just another part of living.