Sitting on the deck over looking the Lago Atitlan early morning fog lifting from the water as the Suns rays filter in. The water calm and glassy a solitary boat moves silently through the mist. Yoga in the lotus Temple. Waking up into my body. Arriving in my skin. Breathing through my cells. Honoring all that have come before me and all those yet to come. I am in total gratitude for this very moment. This very moment.
Coming to this place was series of events and decisions mostly synchronistic in nature and it all started with my damn shoulder.
Months ago I had a strange pain that would bring my attention to it sporadically usually at night or right before a work out. It was never painful enough for me to do anything drastic about it. Mostly it would come and go with me pushing through the uncomfortable sensations and ignoring it as much as I could.
At the same time as this mysterious pain arrived I began to have vivid dreams about poverty, filth,disgusting living situations, hunger,sadness.
I would wake up wondering why in the hell is my mind going to these horrible places when I could so easily choose beauty and light and fun.
This is also the same time I saw a FaceBook post from a friend about a yoga retreat to Guatemala. The instant I saw the post I knew I was going to go.
Fast forward. A few days before the trip I began feeling uneasy, butterflies, anxiety and a fear about going to Latin America. Not exactly sure why since I have traveled all over the world and have thoroughly enjoyed all of my other trips. This one felt strange.
Arriving in Guatemala city at night I immediately felt the danger of the situation, Being a single woman who only speaks a little of the language is a easy target. The horde of men all trying to get my attention with a big smile and friendly eyes were all just trying to separate me from my cash so much so that the one man who grabbed my luggage insisted I pay him a tip for carrying it to the taxi. My taxi driver drove in circles until I pulled up the map on my phone and started leading him.
That night in the shitty hotel was probably one of the scariest I can remember. My windows were open they wouldn't close, and even though there were bars covering them and razor wire along the perimeter of the property, the noises of the wild city were right there just outside in the darkness. Dogs barking,sirens blaring people yelling glass breaking. I tossed and turned all night just wishing for the Sun to come up already.The sun did finally arrive along with the smell of fire. Then I realized in Latin America many people cook on fire.
The drive to the Lake and my yoga retreat took so long I was growing very irritated and impatient and upset with my self for even coming to this god forsaken impoverished dirty country. I just wanted to go home to my comfort, my family, my coffee with cream, my sweet doggies and easy schedule.
I noticed the discomfort grew as we drove through the crowded streets. My eyes found all the little dirty children. Felling so much anger for the parents who could allow their kids to play in the street with no shoes ripped up clothes and skinny bodies. Why was I seeing this Shit and better yet why was I so incredibly triggered by it. I started beating my self up internally for all my harsh judgements . Fighting with that disappointed voice in my head. Feeling so much anger and hatred for the environment, and confusion at why I'm so fucking emotional.
As the questions would arise so too came awareness.
My hatred has been pent up for many many years. I have not wanted to access any of these uncomfortable feelings,if i allow my self to go down this rabbit hole I may never come back.
I was once that dirty little girl living in the filth. My parents didn't seem to think anything was wrong about our situation and would bring us to live in Mexico many times during my childhood. I hated everything about being in Mexico. I hated that we were so poor, I hated that people lived in shakes and didn't have shoes. I hated that my father left us there to fend for ourselves, I hated that I had so many brothers and sisters to worry about.i hated being hungry all the time. I hated not having any hope or power.
I wanted to grow up as fast as I could. I know I made a promise to my self that I would never make my kids go through this shitty lifestyle and I would find a way no matter what to live a beautiful, clean, healthy, stable, and comfortable life.
Coming back to these original feeling was shocking, I was not aware that I still held onto so much anger, hatred and disgust. The perfect combination of shit chaos and discomfort baggage to show up at a spiritual retreat with.
The woman that I am now wants to be Happy and loving and free to express. I want to be able to see others as divine creations and not judge or fear. I want to live an open accepting beautiful life full of inspiration and sweetness. Seeing these intense hang ups that were binding me was illuminating
Moving these emotions through my body, using the yoga my breath and the beautiful practitioners here feels liberating. I feel fluid and light.
I'm giving all this back to the land it came from. I release these emotions into lake Atitlan and to the volcano back to the center of the earth where it belongs. And am left with Love for my parents, love for the contrasting experience. Love for the understanding.
Happy to announce my left shoulder is feeling so much better.