a letter to my daughter

Juliana, 
Sweet darling, I miss you. 
Its been 599 days, there are still so many days it’s hard to believe you have left this world.
I love you so much. Your passing has been a freaking wrecking ball on this existence.
My world seems flat at many times, dull, pointless. 
However this is only the contrast to the many moments of magic I experience, because you have left. Its the shading to the brilliant landscape.
I suppose it’s all necessary in order to truly see a picture, there has to be dark places.
I want to focus on the light, on the many moments of beauty I have experienced because of you.
I take life more slowly these days nothing is important especially the little things, like needing to look good or be right.
I stopped fighting and started listening.
I look for reasons to be grateful everyday and know that the impermanent nature of this world is a gift. 
It’s like being on vacation when there are limited days and every day counts. I want to fill my experience with as many new and wonderful experiences as I can.
I have become a collector of experience.
I have also learned to value the people in my life more.
I know any day they could go and I want to share as much love as I can with each person letting them know how I truly feel.
I’ve learned to be honest to the point of transparency, saying what’s really going on in each moment. Having meaningful deep conversations and avoiding the fluff of surface bull shit. Real is my new normal and sometimes real feels scary but I do it anyway.
I think real is only a term for this planet because it’s not truth it’s just what’s present in the moment. I’ve learned to dissect my thoughts and emotions and let so much of the bull shit go. 
Baby I wish we could have this conversation face to face.
I want to see you and hug you and look into your beautiful eyes, and then the wind blows and life moves on.
I know eventually we will be together again I know in the deepest part of my being you never really left you just changed. I love you. Your Mama.

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